What it means to be a single parent at Christmas..

Being a single parent is never easy. What with the holidays hanging overhead, it will only get more difficult.

Single parenting during the holidays has some bonuses – extra memories, extra hugs, and more cookies. You get to focus on just the kids. You can sit and take extra time to unwrap gifts or eat pancakes.

Only one adult means less pictures and unless you selfie, it means zero pictures of you with the kids. It takes extra hands to run a camera, and when you have a young one like C, you don’t get the luxury of having your own hands free.

Shared holidays – remember ordering Chinese food on Christmas eve? Well order a combo for one, because the kids are gone with their father. Remember opening up one gift before bed? Well don’t even bother thinking up a special Christmas eve gift because they will be too wiped to spend time enjoying it before being carried to bed because they passed out in the car on their way home.

Making plans based on when you have the kids is difficult too. Every Saturday leading up to Christmas is full of fun activities around the city, but, the kids will always be with their father on the really good ones. Just face the fact now.

Christmas is more expensive. You want to make sure they have lots under the tree but now, you’re the only one paying for those gifts. There isn’t a second parent helping with half the cost. Being Santa is expensive, let’s face it.

Then there is the dreaded holiday loneliness. When the kids are gone, or in bed, you are alone. All by yourself. You miss snuggling up with hot chocolate – and by that I mean wine. Now, it’s just you and your bottle. Don’t worry, wine has your back. Wine will let you cry and will love you. But it’s not enough.

Being single on the holidays can be tough. Everyone wants to love and be loved in return. Especially during the holidays.

Don’t worry, it won’t be like this forever.

For now, try and focus on the great! The time you do have with your kids – make it extra special. Do all the fun things. One day, someone special will walk into your life and you will never feel lonely during the holidays again.

-SM.xo

Why I only need one friend..

I have one friend. I have 100’s of acquaintances – people I went to school with, people I used to party with, people I met on parenting groups, etc. But I only have ONE friend. She is my best friend.

She has no kids of her own, and while that may be difficult at times (because she doesn’t understand what I am going through first-hand), she tries her hardest to be on the same page as me.

We have talked about many topics in regards to parenting. We agree on 95% of things most people fight about. We can have healthy debates about abortion, circumcision, etc. We talk religion, politics, and many other hot topics. We both enjoy a healthy debate, and we definitely know when it’s time to change subjects.

She is my person. She is who I go to when I am making major life decisions, when I need a shoulder to cry on, when I need a pun to brighten up my day, and who I ask to help me girl properly – I am really not a make-up wearing, hair doing, nail salon type of girl… at all. She is who I trust with all my secrets. She knows how to call me on my shit and still be my best friend. We have disagreements, but we have never stopped talking because of them. We could be fighting in a chat on Facebook and be simultaneously texting about how much her boyfriend sucks. It’s just how we are. It’s adult. Mature.

I honestly do not know what I would do without her.

I met her, what feels like forever ago, through my ex girlfriend. It was about 5 years ago (we spent half a day once trying to figure out if Facebook was lying to us about our friendaversary) and we started commenting under a status together. Then we added each other. Then started talking. Then made a date. We stuck to that date, and have been friends ever since. When my ex and I broke up – I got BFF in the “divorce”. It was the best thing I could get out of a divorce, honestly. Lol. (Wasn’t a real divorce, FYI)

We have been through some major ups and downs. We actually didn’t talk for like a year. During that year I went through major abuse. I know now, that I needed her more than I let on.

We live in a world where the number of friends on our Facebook page signifies how “awesome” we are. This is just not true.

All you need is that one person to believe in you, and you can move mountains.

 

Open Letter to a Survivor of Abuse

You. Are. Amazing.

You have survived one of the toughest circumstances life can throw at you. You didn’t think you could, but you did. YOU DID IT!

I want you to know that it is not your fault. You didn’t do anything to deserve the abuse. Nothing you said or did was the cause of the abuse.

The hitting. The name calling. The manipulating. The raping. The torture. The isolation.

None of that is your fault.

The fault belongs entirely to the abuser. You weren’t their first victim, and you won’t be their last. They are well aware of their actions and the consequences. Even if they have an a mental illness that is currently not diagnosed, 9 times out of 10 they do know right from wrong.

But now? It is time to move on..

You are alive, and breathing. You are free now. You are a SURVIVOR.

You now know the red flags for abusive relationships. You know what to look for. You know what you deserve. “When in doubt, toss it out” doesn’t just apply to expired lunch meat. It also applies to the people in your life that make you feel less than adequate. It applies to the people that are toxic.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

You have a chance at a new life. New relationships. New everything!

Use this time to heal. They say for every month you were in a relationship, it takes one week to heal from it. So if you were with someone for 7 years , it takes 84 weeks to heal. This method is adapted by many counsellors. Give it a go. Give yourself that time to find yourself again. To become the person you were before the abuse. To improve, if that is what you want (not that you aren’t good enough as you are!!!)

Remember, you know your value… now add tax!

-SM.xo

PS – feel free to leave a message in the comments with your story, your advice to other survivors or even advice to others who haven’t been able to get away from their abuser yet, or just a hello. Know that you are not alone.

Stop being an enabler..

People sure do have a lot of opinions when it comes to single moms, and how they got themselves in that predicament.

Single mothers are often told “you picked him”, or “you slept with him”.

Let’s be clear..

Whether we “picked” him or not, that should NEVER be an excuse for a man not to take care of his child or live up to his responsibilities.

A single mom shouldn’t be ridiculed or looked down upon because she is no longer with the father. She definitely shouldn’t be blamed for the situation.

No one wakes up and says “hey, I think I want to give single parenting a go. I hear it’s fun!”

Yes, we may have chosen said “man”, however there are thousands of reasons why it may not have worked out. Maybe he cheated. Maybe he hit her. Maybe he urinates in bottles and leaves them around the house. (True story. Ew)

Maybe it was her fault the relationship ended.

Regardless of why the relationship ended or who is to blame for it ending, no one should be forced to stay together for the kids, or for the judgmental nosey parkers in society.

A man who fathers a child needs to be responsible for that child. That includes financial help, visitation, being there for milestones and special moments, and united co-parenting. Just to name a few. Also, it means growing up and being a responsible adult.

Saying things like “you chose him” is actually enabling him to shrug off his responsibilities and transferring the blame to the mother.

Isn’t she doing enough? The late nights. The early mornings. The tantrums. Not getting breaks. Sickness. Nightmares. Milestones. All by herself. She shouldn’t be made automatically responsible for his lack of responsibility.

Stop being an enabler..

-SM.xo

My Parenting Style

This should be fun…

  • Fed is best (Both of my girls were formula fed – although I tried to breastfeed C… didn’t work out whatsoever)
  • I practice CIO
  • I believe in spanking (not out of anger, not to leave marks, etc; a tap on the bum or hand is sufficient)
  • I co-slept with both of my girls
  • I only bed-share when they are 1-3 months old and only during naps (and it’s very rare!)
  • You eat what is put in front of you, or you starve
  • You will pick up after yourself from the moment you can do so with coordination (I believe in independence, sharing family responsibilities, etc) – both of my girls learned between year 1 and 2 that they can put away any toys they pull out
  • No, I do not have to play with you every single moment of every single day
  • I give my kids the finger when they aren’t looking
  • I also call them assholes behind their backs
  • I do not ERF my kids – I turn them around when they legally hit the requirements
  • Do as I say, not as I do
  • I encourage healthy eating habits – you drink water, fruits and veggies are snacks, exercise is important
  • Children are allowed to gain independence at ANY age
  • K walks herself to and from school by herself (safety plan in place, she has eyes on her the whole way, and it’s a 3 minute walk from our apartment)
  • I laugh at them way more than I should – yes, you falling is hilarious.
  • I believe that parents, especially single parents, deserve breaks
  • Go ahead and breast feed in public, but don’t make a spectacle out of it
  • Children over the age of 3 in a stroller is disturbing – make your lazy ass kid get up and walk
  • Do not leash your child… they are assholes, not pets.
  • When a child can walk, talk, and has several teeth – get them off your boob, and give them a cup with your breast milk
  • Sometimes you need to use a TV as a babysitter – that is okay
  • It is also okay to shower alone and take a shit on your own – they will survive on the other side of the door
  • There is no such thing as a perfect parent
  • For the love of all things cheesy, abortion is not an acceptable form of birth control
  • Once your “fetus” has a heart beat, it’s a baby – therefor, it IS murder.
  • Not all teen moms are shitty parents or people
  • Being a working mom is much harder than being a stay at home mom (your job doesn’t just run 9-5 outside the house, you then have to come home and do all the things the SAHM did that day)

If anything in my parenting style offended you – that means you are a snowflake.

**These are my personal opinions. I encourage you to have your own. Please comment below and tell me some of your parenting styles. Are there any of mine you agree with? Disagree with?**

-SM.xo

What to expect from me (and my blog)..

I suppose the first thing I should share is a warning…

I am the first mom to say kids are assholes. If you don’t like that.. well, you are most definitely in the wrong spot. So, please take your judgemental ass elsewhere 🙂

I am by no means a helicopter parent, or a snowflake. I definitely have a thick skin. I am a strict, old school parent. Deal with it!

I have my own apartment. I have two bearded dragons. I am trying to date. I am also planning on a rather large move to go to school, while trying to maintain my sanity. I have all kinds of family drama. I also rant a lot…

So, let’s get on with it!

-SM.xo